One of the things that can take away from our happiness is when we are spending time and energy on things that don’t matter as much to us, and we are getting to spend less time and energy on the things that we feel do matter. Take a few minutes and make a list of your top 5 values and priorities – the things you think are the absolute most important things in your life. These could be things like financial security, family, work accomplishments, adventure, volunteering, balance, etc.

Then take a look at the reality of your life, seeing if you are living in a way that represents these 5 top priorities actually taking priority in the way you spend your time, energy, money, thoughts and focus. If, for example, you put “family” as a top 5 value, but you get very little time with your family, then this is going to cause a feeling of disconnect for you. If you value financial security but have no savings and can’t pay your bills easily, then this will create an internal conflict for you because something that you feel is a high priority isn’t taking place.

When it comes to relationships, which could mean family, spouse, or workplace/career, if you have values and priorities that align you will find yourself more content. If you have values and priorities of your own that do not align with your significant other’s, or your employer, you will find yourself having more conflict and more stress because of that misalignment. For example, if you value financial security and your spouse values social status, that spouse is probably spending more money than you would like spent, and this will cause an ongoing conflict. If your employer values efficiency, but you value compassion and want to show more time or compassion to customers or patients, for example, than you will find yourself feeling unhappy in your job.

If you find yourself having conflict in some area of your life it’s probably because it goes against what you consider to be values and priorities in your own life. You can’t change what other people believe or what they hold as their own priorities and values, but you can be helped by understanding that a lot of conflict comes from this misalignment. So next time you’re having a conflict or misunderstanding with someone, try figuring out what their values or priorities are, and you will more easily see the “why” behind the conflict. You can then approach a conversation or interaction with them with the understanding that they just have different values than you do, which is causing conflict between you.

If you are making decisions in your life based on your top 5 values and priorities, you will find that your life seems less conflicted, less stressful, and overall more in line with what you want your life to be. When you make that next decision in life, or when you are looking at several options and trying to settle on a choice, remember your top 5 values and priorities. Which of the options or paths most closely aligns with your priorities? Which choice will go against your values, and cause conflict, stress or unhappiness?

If you have misalignment, what can you remove, what can you minimize? What can you add, and what do you want to be a part of your life so that you are staying aligned with your values and priorities? Look at what people and activities keep you close to your values, and which ones distract you or cause that unsettled or stressful feeling, because they aren’t in alignment. Make future decisions based on your top 5 values and you’ll see your life heading in a direction you feel happier about.