Do you remember your wedding vows or, if you’re not married yet, do you have any idea what your future wedding vows may say?  I was raised in a strict religious home, and the vows I always heard used that phrase, “love, honor and obey.” I’ve been divorced 20 years but I remember, when I was unhappily married, really struggling with the “obey” part of that. I may seem like a forward-thinking, progressive feminist type – I’ve owned my own businesses for years, I’m long-term single and independent, and I don’t typically hold back on my opinions. However, the traditional household is what I was familiar with, and I tried hard for a long time to follow what I thought was expected, which was that the man/husband was the head of the household. But obeying someone, or letting someone have the final say-so in decisions, was not comfortable to me. I remember disagreeing whole-heartedly during the times when I didn’t feel like decisions being made, which directly affected and included me, were smart or right decisions. I remember asking several people that I respected what they thought about the “obey” term.

Also think about your relationship with your children, no matter what their age.  If they’re under 18 do you expect them to follow your decisions and do what they’re told, no matter what, because you’re the parent?  “Because you said so?” Do you listen to your children’s ideas or ask for their input on decisions that directly affect or include them? Do you take the time and make the effort to communicate to your children, so that they feel included and also know what to expect?  As minors and dependents, I guess technically kids don’t have to be asked for their input, and parents do have the right (and often the wisdom) to make the decisions for their kids.

Now let’s talk about the people you work with – whether they be equals, subordinates, or supervisors. How do you interact with them and treat them? If you’re the boss, do you lay down the law and just expect everyone to follow without arguing? How do you respond to your own supervisor when asked to do something, when you may not agree with what you’re asked to do, or with decisions being made? How do you interact with your equals, when you disagree with something they’ve done or said, or with a decision they’re making?

Lastly let’s look at your friends and other relationships in your life. Is your friendship all about you, all about them, or somewhere split more equally between you? Do you make plans and then cancel or just not show up? Do you expect your friend(s) to always do what you want, or do you end up always doing what they want, or somewhere split in the middle?  Do you share equally about yourself, and listen as much as you talk? 

The answers I got when I started searching for a deeper understanding of that marital “obey” issue were all over the place, depending on who I asked. But what I did learn, through discussions, and the answer I finally settled on as one I could buy into, was that the true intention of any marriage relationship should be “mutual respect.”  Obeying should not be seen as so much submission that your voice isn’t heard – discussions should be held with mutual respect for each other and actually caring about the other person’s perspective. 

With your children, if you raise them with a strict, no-discussion-allowed, parents-decide-everything method, your kids will grow up possibly doing what you tell them to, but not out of respect as much as out of fear or feeling like they have no choice. This method doesn’t teach kids to be adults who can think for themselves, but instead just creates well-behaved children who never feel heard or understood, and who then also don’t learn to problem-solve or resolve conflicts.  But if you think about raising your kids with a mutual respect, by caring what they think, communicating, teaching, and showing respectful behavior, you are far more likely to get that treatment in return. Mutual respect means we both care about what the other is going through, and what ideas and input the other person may be able to contribute. 

What would your workplace be like if everyone was treating each other with mutual respect? We would remove blame, remove competition, and remove hostility, and simply start looking at each other with a goal of communicating respectfully, working together, and having discussions where we’re all working towards the same end goals.  Maybe you don’t respect someone at work because of things they do; but you can still treat them with respect, because that’s the kind of person you are, despite what kind of person they are.

With friends and relationships, treating each other with mutual respect means remembering important things, making the other person feel like they matter, and taking into consideration everyone’s needs and feelings. It means not being self-focused or wrapped up only in one side of things but, instead, being someone who treats others the way you want to be treated.  Mutual respect means having conversations and making decisions in a way that makes everyone involved feel like they matter.