If you’ve ever been hurt by someone or had someone do something to you that really seemed unfair, rude, or even cruel, you know how much that event can affect even just your mood. When we feel we’ve been wronged, all our thoughts and conversations tend to become about what happened, why it isn’t right or fair, how it’s making us feel, and how much we may want to correct the injustice.

Blame is something that we hold against someone else, holding them responsible for something they’ve said or done which caused a negative consequence for ourselves, someone we care about, or something that’s important to us. Blame typically comes with a level of anger, as well, and most anger comes from a place of hurt.

The thing about blame is that we carry it around with us so long sometimes that it becomes a habit and turns into resentment, which can last a lifetime. The person who has been hurt is the one who also then carries around that anger, holding on to the wrongs done to them.  The person who caused the hurt typically walks away and lets it go – having chosen not to remedy it, change anything, or somehow undo the damage. They are often unaware that the hurt person is still carrying around all these thoughts, emotions, and the resentment for as long as they are.

Who is being hurt by continued blame?  It’s the person who carries the blame and resentment because we don’t let it go, and it becomes part of us. If you are carrying around blame and resentment, you are carrying around pain and anger that will not ever allow you to be fully happy.  This means you are letting that person, and their actions, keep you from being happy. They already hurt you once – do you really want to allow them to be in a position of causing you ongoing pain for the rest of your life?

The solution is a hard one though – let go of what happened.  Some people tend to think if we let something go, and choose to not pursue it in some way, then we are letting the other person get away with whatever they did.  The fact is, though, they’ve already gotten away with it.  But what happens after that is up to the person who was hurt – stop it from happening again or allow it to consume you and become a part of who you are forever. 

A true letting-go is called “forgiveness.”  When we say we will forgive someone, we tend to think that we are doing them a favor, giving them a gift of reprieve or tolerance of their actions.  But the truth about forgiveness is – it’s for us, and not for the other person. They may never apologize, and they may never know you have or haven’t forgiven them.  What matters is what is going on inside you, in your thoughts and your emotions and your life.  Forgiveness means letting it go – no longer holding that person in a place of owing you something. That’s it.  It’s not saying what they did is okay – it’s just cancelling that debt and writing it off and moving forward without it. It’s also not saying you need to resume any kind of relationship or interaction with the person.

Forgiveness is about the future, rather than the past, going forward free of the emotions that resulted from the initial pain.  Forgiveness opens space in our mind, our thoughts, our emotions, and even physically in our health, to make room for positive things, rather than holding onto negative things. Replacing negative thoughts with positive ones is not an overnight process but is well worth the effort you give to it.  For yourself, not for anyone else, let go of the hurt from the past and make room for happiness in the future.